September 3, 2010
So, this is it…my first blog entry…

So, I guess I’ll delve right into things. Right now I’m going though a kind of complicated relationship. I mean, I’m pretty sure I should just dump this guy and not give him the time of day after how he’s treated me the past three years.

Question: If a guys says he “doesn’t want to put labels on what we have” is that just bullshit? ‘Cause I’m getting the idea that he’s completely full of it.

God, why do I do this to myself?

I guess I’m convinced I love him and things will change, but I mean, it’s been a year and he’s still totally in love with his ex. Which I’m guessing is why any time I write something cute on his Facebook wall he deletes it, he angles his phone so I can’t see when he’s texting. Fuck, there are no pictures of me on his phone, or on Facebook, but there are plenty of pictures of him with other girls.

We’re not even “dating” in his eyes, but it kinda still seems like we’re in a relationship, all the elements are there, except the “boyfriend” “girlfriend” titles. He’s jealous of guys I go out with, even though he and I aren’t dating, but he can hit on, sleep with and go out with anyone he wants.

I should be smarter. I mean I’m intelligent, and pretty decent looking I’d say, he should be chasing after me, I should have told him to go f*** himself ages ago. Geeze this is really lowering my self worth. And everytime I mention to him that this relationship is unhealthy and I don’t want to do it anymore, he guilt trips me and makes me out to be the bad guy. I mean all my life I get screwed over by guys, he knows this and yet he doesn’t feel the slightest ounce of guilt for treating me so poorly. He just tells me I’m being selfish because he’s “going through a lot emotionally right now” that sounds like another classic line to me.

I think he’s just become good at faking the whole thing to make me think he truly does care when he doesn’t so he can continue to get what he wants. That’s how he managed to take my “innocence”. I didn’t except to be lied to. He got me into bed with some pretty tidy little lies. That was three years ago, then he got back together with his ex, they had a gay old time bashing me, then when he wasn’t getting any, he came back to me.

At first, I thought he was being genuine, but now I’ve realized it was all for one thing and it wasn’t because he liked or missed me. It was because he knew I was fragile enough to be used again and he cared about me so little that he was ok with sacrificing my mental health and happiness for his personal pleasure.

Ok, rant done.